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Hey again, my adoring fan,
I got my first angry caller last evening, and he was ranting about how Jerry Seinfeld is not Seinfeld; instead that Larry David was Seinfeld, which is just ludicrous. See below.

But, first off, this is not a radio show, this is a web-based dialogue, where I do most of the dialoguery. So, shut your trap hole, and/or type words. I have taken great pains to add blogging to my repertoire and I have little interest in engaging in real time live debate with you regarding topics that are more fluidly constructed on the page (where I have the decided advantage... because I am taller here.)

Second off, I was speaking with a family member who got disheartened when he found out from the blog that I was not feeling well. It turns out that the blog is now my conduit to relay information about myself, which is pretty sweet. Even though it upset a reader (and a family member) that I had little else to add to the telephone conversation (because he knew about the sickness,) we could proceed to how he was doing.
So, I have now used the blog to replace telephone conversations with people because unless they are calling to catch me up on some important tidbit about their day or their life (e.g. Brad Pitt left Jennifer Anniston to go out with Angelina Jolie,) I no longer have anything to say about my day. And isn't that why people talk to me? To be entertained for three to seven minutes?
Thank goodness that I removed telephone calls from repertoire because the talking really puts a strain on my beautiful voice (i.e. frequency distortion, which alters my voice from a soulful depth to a robotic gruff.)

Third off, I wanted to clarify my policy regarding links. I support links and I would like to include a link section in my blog to other blogs and websites (when someone shows Papa Bear how to use this gizmo), but at this point in time, I have no intention to make daily links a part of my repertoire.
The daily links to other good material would be an unnecessary way for me to avoid typing (which is not really that difficult for my rich, textured fingers.)

Finally off, I just wanted to let you know that my football game with cones is going down this Saturday at the date and time I specified, so if you are supposed to be there, be there. If you are not supposed to be there...
As playing football has now been part of my weekly repertoire for almost 8 months, I feel like my teammates and I are properly linked and and synched and I don't have to call them to remind them. But I will anyway... unless I get lazy... which I probably will. So, this is the reminder.

My number one fan,
ME


PS: You can tell by the name of the show, Seinfeld, which guy held all of those cooky characters together. He was more than the substance of that show; he was the funny glue guy. Would the show be able to move forward without a George or a Kramer or an Elaine? Of course, they could replace any one of them with a summer George or a zany neighbor without skipping a beat. And lest you say that Larry David was the guy behind the scenes, I tell you, nay, as I dare you to try to figure out which seasons Larry David picked to skip out on. Why? Because when he was gone, the show did not miss a heart-beat. I'm not saying Curb or Larry David is not funny, I saw him do a bit about Hitler and magic that was extremely funny; I am just saying that Seinfeld was hilarious because Jerry as the straight man took all of these funny guys and made them hilarious.
Sorry about my rant there, but Thursday night watching Seinfeld (TV program) with my parents and brother (family members) eating Hunan Park (Chinese food) was the most important part of my repertoire growing up and it linked me with all that is good and funny in this world (though mostly funny, and Superman taught me what was good. Flying is good.) (Though I really hate ending these things with something in parentheses.)

Story Time

... and that's the last time I mix bourbon with toilet water!



Oh, sorry my faithful reader, I didn't notice you there. I was just finishing up a children's story. You should always end with a lesson.



So, one of my good friends came up to me after the last blog and said, "Papa Bear, maybe you should only post when you have something to say."

Well... my ex-friend was right, and from now on, after this post, I will no longer try to conjure up random bits of information from my drab and boring existence to entertain you.



But, while you're already here, let me tell you about roughly what happened on my less than exciting yester eve.

I walked out of the office after dark with a FedEx package that needed to get shipped ASAP. But lo and behold, right outside of my building, there was some sort of religious lighting ritual for a giant ceremonial tree. It was cold, so I lost feeling in my extremities and because of the commotion and the enormous crowds, I was unable to move for over one minute and forty five seconds, (though it felt like two minutes and twelve seconds.) The haggard bearded hippy next to me looked like he was standing there for far longer, especially when I peered over and saw him nibbling on my hand. After I managed enough space to escape from the cannibal, I just booked it. Old people, children, the disabled, you name it, I was pushing them out of my way. I was like a real live action hero. At one point I knocked over an entire family like bowling pins.
Maybe, you're sitting there judging me for my actions, but if you have ever had to fight through a mob of families, played one of those shoot'em up videogames, or been to Fairway in NYC, you would have been right there with me, laughing at all the people I knocked over, and mocking their feebleness while trying to take their fish sandwiches. (Note: Tourists on the floor will not easily give up their fish sandwiches, even if you give them a hand to pretend to help them up. Maybe they didn't use my hand because of the nibble marks and the blood. Tsk. Typical.) Meanwhile, I still had to deliver the package, but by the time I got to my secondary FedEx location (because the crowds prevented me from getting to the primary location), the place was closed. So I called up FedEx, (a quality organization, so please don't sue me,) and for 15 minutes, they send me to three additional sites in one direction and then another and then another, and I found myself wondering: with their sense of direction, how does anything get anywhere on time? Finally, after 20 additional minutes of walking, I found a suitable drop-point and delivered the good. Of course, FedEx shipped the package on time because it is an awesome efficient company and it's magic. I then proceeded to go home, watch my PTI (to boost my manliness), proceeded to Pushing Daisies (a fantastic, genre-bending show and deserving of its own series of blogs), and then Gossip Girl, (Serena played an excellent drunk), and followed it up with the film Rescue Dawn, which was solid, but only because of another stellar Bale performance. Then, I went right to bed to watch some TV before going to sleep.



In case you're wondering, the truth was in there, it was just surrounded by imagination. I don't even eat fish.



Notes:

1) I don't care how much you dislike Bees or how much you like "Curb", Jerry Seinfeld WAS Seinfeld.

1a) Don't ever do karaoke to the song "Potato, Potato... Tomato, Tomato."

2)



I'll be non-grata for the next few days because of a trip I'm taking to that Florida destination, but no we are not getting a convertible; we are getting the next best thing, an SUV. Wish me luck at the Loser Bowl.



God bless all of you and happy holidays,
Your trusty life coach,
ME, The Papa Bear



Sponsored by FedEx (just kidding... unless they pay me.)

Thanks Again

Dear Diary,


So, it's Thanksgiving time again: the time of year when everyone gathers together to appreciate how awesome their stuff is: so allow me to start. My stuff is awesome. I have a nice sized TV, a sweet couch, and an apartment I fit into lengthwise.


I am thankful for my first fan who came up to me in the supermarket (a.k.a. the adult section of the videostore, which I watch for the articles), and said "aren't you that Papa guy who blogs"? Of course, I played it cool and giggled. (Though now that I heard it out loud, I wonder why I didn't title myself Papa Smurf, who had more personality than Papa Bear). He looked over at the girl he was with and said "it's that Papa guy". The confused little girl seemed unimpressed, so I was happy when he sent her to the Disney section, though I sensed something eerie about my one fan. So, the man said "I read your blog all the time" to which I responded, "I only wrote 1 entry." Of course, he looked frustrated and replied, "yeah, ALL the time... at work, at home, in the sh**ter." It was at this point that I realized I needed to improve my blog and to find a new video store. So, I'm thankful for the fan, but I think I'm going to be one of those sunglasses jerks from now on.

But, I am also thankful for: my hair, which curls ever so slightly to mask my growing baldness; my acerbic wit and devilish charm, which I use ONLY to get a smile out of DMV employees and scare off the Ladies; but most of all I am thankful for my gratitude because without it, none of this would be possible.

I'd like to throw a reminders section into the middle of my blog:
Reminder 1: Daylight Savings Time did something last week or the week before, you should check that out.
Reminder B: New Years is just around the corner, so you can take off that Catwoman outfit, you're starting to smell.
Side note A: I wonder if Catwoman smelled like the cat lady.?.

Also, just today, I was thinking about how great the temperature has been in the past few years, and not just here in N.Y.C., but all over. I'm not sure who to thank for it, God or Science, but, either way, keep it up.

This is my concern on this Thanksgiving: there is a huge difference between someone who is a funny comedian and someone who is a talented comedian. The other night, I was watching a new TV show starring the incomparable Frank Caliendo, of MAD TV, Sunday Morning Football, and stand-up comedy fame. I am not exaggerating when I say that he is likely the most gifted ("talented") impersonator I have ever seen, and aside from his glowering talent, he is also a very funny and witty young man. He jumps from aping classic actors to presidents with the nimble dexterity of a thing that is nimble and dexterous (I am not good with similes or analogies, but I'm good as heckfire with metaphors.)

Here's the rub though: when he's in character and makes jokes, you (really I'm referring to me, but what's the difference), are more in awe of his gift than appreciating his humor. I managed a few chuckles, but mainly it was claps rather than laughs. When he makes funny jokes out of character, I chuckle, but I await his next trick, like a magician who fills his stage prep time with jokes. (Though as G.O.B. pointed out, its actually not a trick, but an "illusion", because "a trick is something a wh*re does for money... or cocaine.")

Speaking of magic, House had a magically themed episode that was not worth mentioning.

Speaking of mentioning, I wanted to give out my early Oscar pick for Best Actor... and the award goes to Denzel Washington, who dominates American Gangster as a Michael Corleone for our time.

Finally, I'm thankful that my apartment (which as you may remember from earlier today when I wrote that I can fit into it lengthwise), went from being as chaotic as the New York Knicks organization to the New York Jets orgnization. Basically from awful and dirty, to merely just sad.

I hope y'all enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend, especially the people I already care about. I sincerely wish you the best, so be good, be happy, and be smart.

the talented,
Mark "Papa Bear" Ellis

First Blog

Considering this is my first blog, I wanted to welcome myself into the blog world, by telling you a little about yourself.

You are an above-average jerk, who has a little too much time on his or preferably her hands, and found me floating somewhere on the Internet.

I say, you are above-average because I was appeasing you and telling you what you want to hear, and everybody seems to think they are above-average, (unlike me, because I am actually above-average).
I say you are a jerk, in part because you might actually be a jerk, in part because people appreciate you more when you degrade them, and in part because you are someday going to leave me (you jerk).
I say you have a little too much time on your hands, because if you did not have too much time on your hands, you would not be reading random blogs, but if you had way too much time on your hands, you would be doing something cooler like learning a language, joining a cult, or selling bananas.
And I say you found me floating on the Internet because I did not find you, so you must have found me and I am a floater.

Now that you know a little bit more about yourself, maybe you will recognize that this is a worthwhile blog to read, after one episode.

Also note the facts that (a) I taught you something (b) I know you (because I am you) (c) I have been funny in the past, and I may one day again be funny (d) I think I didn't need a (d) and it was a mistake to include it, and (e) I am willing to acknowledge my mistakes.

The blog, (if I have time and am willing to put in the effort,) will include tidbits about my daily life, but probably no personal details. Sorry ladies, no hints at what to get me for Valentine's Day. I like movies, TV, basketball, football, politics, books, celebrities, and ranting/lecturing about how I know better. I'm also a single Jewish lawyer in New York, but no, I am not interested in your awesome niece/daughter/neighbor and I am not doing your taxes, but I'd be happy to help as a tip calculator. So, if I discuss any of this stuff, don't be afraid. It'll pass. I'm extremely rational, so I often play the devil's advocate, (which was a good movie,) because I tend to see the flaws in every argument. But, even when you see me passionately relaying my logical opinion, know that I know I am not "right", but I am just righter than you are.

I'm not much of a grammarian, my spelling is usually not bad, I limit my cusswords, and I tend to verbify words that don't exist. I plan to post at least once a week, I hope to post every day, and I dream of having a personal assistant poster who writes the blog for me. I know the dream is not very badass, but it would be pretty sweet and very practical. That way I could spend more time doing the things I really care about like arguing with people in person (or spending time with blah blah).

I'd like to thank my parents for raising my averageness to above-average, my brother who inspired me to try less hard (to be funny), my extended family for being almost nuclear, my various friends for providing comic fodder, my work for keeping me alive, the various girls who made me bitter, the alcohol that soothed my bitterness, and God for forgiving the alcohol. Without them, I would not be here right now, I would be somewhere else, doing something else. So, really, YOU should thank all these people.

So, now that we know each other pretty well, I welcome you to join me on my ridiculous journey to log my daily activities without discussing anything I do.