My Robot

Hello again my new friends,

I report to you for the first time since my short spell down south. If you saw someone in a Ford Mustang convertible driving through the streets of a Florida city (pulling a lot of Thelma and Louise moves), and then found that same person in uber-trendy night spots doing the robot, the chances are... you saw me twice... or someone who was doing the same things I did. But no one cares about that other guy.

So, you must be saying, "Tough Guys Don't Dance", (see Norman Mailer's sentiment). My response to you is that The Robot is not just any dance, like the tango, the polka, or the line dance... The Robot is like a state of mind, but mostly its a dance. So, there I was, doing the Robot for awhile, when from the right side (not my good side), I attracted the attention of a nearby bridal party of some kind (perhaps a bachelorette party, but there was one guy with them wearing a tux, and one girl wearing a wedding dress). And the guy, clearly saw my skills as a dancer and repeatedly encouraged me to dance with the group. To be fair, I had imbued a few drinks and it was a loud club, so I was not sure whether he kept trying to drag me out to the dance floor to dance with a particular girl (not wearing the wedding dress) or whether he was more interested in me for himself. Obviously, I'm moderately flattered either way, but I feel like my rep would be improved more if he was into me for himself, (not because I'm into guys or because its hip tha guys are into me, but more) because people (girls) always seem to think I would be great for someone else. "You would be great for my friend/sister/stranger {subtext, you are not good enough for me}" So, I'm not even sure which way I'd prefer to remember the incident. Maybe I will make that my next vote. I did dance with a girl from the group who was cute, but that's none of your business. But, ask me later and I'll tell you. But nothing happened. So, don't ask.

While I was there, I partook in several sporting events, including a Heat-Celtics game, which demonstrated how good the Celtics are and how dominant Shaq can still be on the defensive end as he stopped Garnett in the 4th quarter, pretty much entirely. Also note that the Miami Heat dancers are distractingly attractive. I actually kept the magazine of posters they gave out for free in the lobby. I carried the posters around and hid them like it was pornographic. It felt a little more pornographic since there was basically no indication that the posters were related to the Heat and the magazine could easily have been the advertisement for a high class strip club, or a medium class bordello. Not that I know the proper classes of these things. But, I would really break out my best Robot to impress those ladies.

But, the weekend's main event was the Loser Bowl. The Dolphins-Jets game was historic if but for one reason, which I will get to when I feel like it. Sure, the Jets won and half of my section were Jets fans, or apparently "snowbirds" as we're called, but the crowd was united in our agreement that the heat in Miami is nearly unbearable. After a few quarters, once the crowd no longer expected to see a close game, the crowd would literally cheer the clouds rolling by that would protect us all from the sweltering sun. We had Jets fans and Dolphins fans screaming at parents who were selfishly watching the game in the dangerous heat at the expense of their infants. Heat is apparently one of the few things that transcend sports; along with the two other things, which I don't know. It makes me wonder why animist religions (which include some fine respectable religions such as the soap opera that was the ancient Greek gods), worshipped the strong fearful sun and not the pleasant wayward clouds. Just goes to show, people naturally respect what they fear... and its easier to draw a smiley face on the sun, (ask any second grader).

But, all that Roboting has led me to catch the sickness. That combined with the fierce cold has placed my impending football game (with cones) in jeopardy (scaring away some easily intimidated players.) But, I digress because I have no complaints about the past sports weekend or the upcoming football game (with cones) weekend. Just know that if you are looking for a deity to pray upon (or did I mean "to prey to") that I do a really badass robot and its easy to draw a smiley face on me (ask any second grader).

Fear ME,
Papa Bear

Thanks Again

Dear Diary,


So, it's Thanksgiving time again: the time of year when everyone gathers together to appreciate how awesome their stuff is: so allow me to start. My stuff is awesome. I have a nice sized TV, a sweet couch, and an apartment I fit into lengthwise.


I am thankful for my first fan who came up to me in the supermarket (a.k.a. the adult section of the videostore, which I watch for the articles), and said "aren't you that Papa guy who blogs"? Of course, I played it cool and giggled. (Though now that I heard it out loud, I wonder why I didn't title myself Papa Smurf, who had more personality than Papa Bear). He looked over at the girl he was with and said "it's that Papa guy". The confused little girl seemed unimpressed, so I was happy when he sent her to the Disney section, though I sensed something eerie about my one fan. So, the man said "I read your blog all the time" to which I responded, "I only wrote 1 entry." Of course, he looked frustrated and replied, "yeah, ALL the time... at work, at home, in the sh**ter." It was at this point that I realized I needed to improve my blog and to find a new video store. So, I'm thankful for the fan, but I think I'm going to be one of those sunglasses jerks from now on.

But, I am also thankful for: my hair, which curls ever so slightly to mask my growing baldness; my acerbic wit and devilish charm, which I use ONLY to get a smile out of DMV employees and scare off the Ladies; but most of all I am thankful for my gratitude because without it, none of this would be possible.

I'd like to throw a reminders section into the middle of my blog:
Reminder 1: Daylight Savings Time did something last week or the week before, you should check that out.
Reminder B: New Years is just around the corner, so you can take off that Catwoman outfit, you're starting to smell.
Side note A: I wonder if Catwoman smelled like the cat lady.?.

Also, just today, I was thinking about how great the temperature has been in the past few years, and not just here in N.Y.C., but all over. I'm not sure who to thank for it, God or Science, but, either way, keep it up.

This is my concern on this Thanksgiving: there is a huge difference between someone who is a funny comedian and someone who is a talented comedian. The other night, I was watching a new TV show starring the incomparable Frank Caliendo, of MAD TV, Sunday Morning Football, and stand-up comedy fame. I am not exaggerating when I say that he is likely the most gifted ("talented") impersonator I have ever seen, and aside from his glowering talent, he is also a very funny and witty young man. He jumps from aping classic actors to presidents with the nimble dexterity of a thing that is nimble and dexterous (I am not good with similes or analogies, but I'm good as heckfire with metaphors.)

Here's the rub though: when he's in character and makes jokes, you (really I'm referring to me, but what's the difference), are more in awe of his gift than appreciating his humor. I managed a few chuckles, but mainly it was claps rather than laughs. When he makes funny jokes out of character, I chuckle, but I await his next trick, like a magician who fills his stage prep time with jokes. (Though as G.O.B. pointed out, its actually not a trick, but an "illusion", because "a trick is something a wh*re does for money... or cocaine.")

Speaking of magic, House had a magically themed episode that was not worth mentioning.

Speaking of mentioning, I wanted to give out my early Oscar pick for Best Actor... and the award goes to Denzel Washington, who dominates American Gangster as a Michael Corleone for our time.

Finally, I'm thankful that my apartment (which as you may remember from earlier today when I wrote that I can fit into it lengthwise), went from being as chaotic as the New York Knicks organization to the New York Jets orgnization. Basically from awful and dirty, to merely just sad.

I hope y'all enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend, especially the people I already care about. I sincerely wish you the best, so be good, be happy, and be smart.

the talented,
Mark "Papa Bear" Ellis