Resolving Doors

Happy New Year kids,

and I have decided on three resolutions:

I wanted to pick resolutions that I might actually keep, so I can't resolve to keep a regimented diet or exercise program or to become a better person or learn something new every day. So, without ado:

(1) I plan on watching more TV. And I don't mean sheer volume of TV; I mean more steady television watching. It's going to be tough because this past year was a milestone year in my TV watching. But, I think I can do it.

(2) I resolve to spend more time. I've spent some time this past year, but I feel like if I tried a little harder, I could spend more of it.

(3) I want to include more collections of random thoughts in my blog.
For example:
a) Nobody makes a toothpaste flavored candy, but chewing gum is pretty darned close.

b) I don't care for sand, but I am surprised we haven't figured out more uses for it, other than glass, castles, and time-keeping.

c) For a long time, it bothered me that all the best sprinters in the world run their top speeds within fractions of a second of each other. There has never been some human freak of nature that can run the 100 meters in 4 seconds. Why is that? Is our individual potential so limited that even the best person in the world is only infinitesimally better than the next thousand people. Then, it occurred to me that the time system that we use and the fractions of a second, (or pound, or inch) that determine and measure our abilities were designed by humans based on our abilities. The only reason we think that a fraction of a second is a short period of time is because humans determined it is a short period of time. But for a fruit-fly or drosophila, that half a second is basically half its life span (measurement not to scale). So, a fraction of a second is actually a tremendous amount of time. The whole thing still bothers me though.

d) I was watching The Last Boyscout on HBO on New Year's Day for the eighth time, and as always I was thinking about who has had the more accomplished career, Bruce Willis or Mel Gibson. For some reason, I have always linked them (probably because of the Die Hard and Lethal Weapon action movies). Of course I'm rooting for Willis, but it's probably Gibson. Damn Braveheart.

f) I miss Mr. Rogers. He had cool sweaters, and he wore them whenever he went outside. I wonder where he lived that required sweaters all year round.

z) My favorite painter of all time has to be Bob Ross. He had a great voice, and he made me think I could paint. I can't. My crowning (painting) achievement was a painting of a sunny day that I put right in front of my first floor window. The only thing that looked remotely cool was my freaking happy tree. I kept it up for a year. That entire year, I kept the shades down.

za) I just got an IPOD, and it changed my life. Instead of daydreaming on subways, I spend a lot of time pressing the fast-forward button. This is where spending more time could come in handy. I've come to the conclusion that there are basically only 4 songs I want to hear at any given time. I just don't know which ones they are.

zb) I am very disappointed in the lack of improvement in various technologies. Fireworks have been pretty much the same for how many years, thousands? We still can't spell words with the fireworks or draw pictures or anything. Come on. Also, doors have not advanced enough to my satisfaction. Sure, they invented the revolving door and the door that opens automatically when you pass a sensor. I take it back; I am satisfied with door technology's progress. I probably should erase this past paragraph.

zb)(1) I left the last paragraph in the blog to show that I can change my mind if I put my mind to it. Sometimes, I can.

zc) I think I am going to throw in a mailbag section once in awhile, though I think it will be a lot like Dear Abby. In the coming year, I think I will also include some interviews. Maybe I'll throw in some fake interviews to spice up the real interviews and to keep you all on your toes. Actually, I anticipate only using fake interviews.

I had an enjoyable New Year's Eve; going to several functions (dinner and bars), but you wouldn't find it interesting. Well, you would, but you're not getting that info; you're stuck with the resolutions.

I sincerely wish you all the best in the coming new year,
Mark Ellis, the Papa Bear

Thanks Again

Dear Diary,


So, it's Thanksgiving time again: the time of year when everyone gathers together to appreciate how awesome their stuff is: so allow me to start. My stuff is awesome. I have a nice sized TV, a sweet couch, and an apartment I fit into lengthwise.


I am thankful for my first fan who came up to me in the supermarket (a.k.a. the adult section of the videostore, which I watch for the articles), and said "aren't you that Papa guy who blogs"? Of course, I played it cool and giggled. (Though now that I heard it out loud, I wonder why I didn't title myself Papa Smurf, who had more personality than Papa Bear). He looked over at the girl he was with and said "it's that Papa guy". The confused little girl seemed unimpressed, so I was happy when he sent her to the Disney section, though I sensed something eerie about my one fan. So, the man said "I read your blog all the time" to which I responded, "I only wrote 1 entry." Of course, he looked frustrated and replied, "yeah, ALL the time... at work, at home, in the sh**ter." It was at this point that I realized I needed to improve my blog and to find a new video store. So, I'm thankful for the fan, but I think I'm going to be one of those sunglasses jerks from now on.

But, I am also thankful for: my hair, which curls ever so slightly to mask my growing baldness; my acerbic wit and devilish charm, which I use ONLY to get a smile out of DMV employees and scare off the Ladies; but most of all I am thankful for my gratitude because without it, none of this would be possible.

I'd like to throw a reminders section into the middle of my blog:
Reminder 1: Daylight Savings Time did something last week or the week before, you should check that out.
Reminder B: New Years is just around the corner, so you can take off that Catwoman outfit, you're starting to smell.
Side note A: I wonder if Catwoman smelled like the cat lady.?.

Also, just today, I was thinking about how great the temperature has been in the past few years, and not just here in N.Y.C., but all over. I'm not sure who to thank for it, God or Science, but, either way, keep it up.

This is my concern on this Thanksgiving: there is a huge difference between someone who is a funny comedian and someone who is a talented comedian. The other night, I was watching a new TV show starring the incomparable Frank Caliendo, of MAD TV, Sunday Morning Football, and stand-up comedy fame. I am not exaggerating when I say that he is likely the most gifted ("talented") impersonator I have ever seen, and aside from his glowering talent, he is also a very funny and witty young man. He jumps from aping classic actors to presidents with the nimble dexterity of a thing that is nimble and dexterous (I am not good with similes or analogies, but I'm good as heckfire with metaphors.)

Here's the rub though: when he's in character and makes jokes, you (really I'm referring to me, but what's the difference), are more in awe of his gift than appreciating his humor. I managed a few chuckles, but mainly it was claps rather than laughs. When he makes funny jokes out of character, I chuckle, but I await his next trick, like a magician who fills his stage prep time with jokes. (Though as G.O.B. pointed out, its actually not a trick, but an "illusion", because "a trick is something a wh*re does for money... or cocaine.")

Speaking of magic, House had a magically themed episode that was not worth mentioning.

Speaking of mentioning, I wanted to give out my early Oscar pick for Best Actor... and the award goes to Denzel Washington, who dominates American Gangster as a Michael Corleone for our time.

Finally, I'm thankful that my apartment (which as you may remember from earlier today when I wrote that I can fit into it lengthwise), went from being as chaotic as the New York Knicks organization to the New York Jets orgnization. Basically from awful and dirty, to merely just sad.

I hope y'all enjoy your Thanksgiving weekend, especially the people I already care about. I sincerely wish you the best, so be good, be happy, and be smart.

the talented,
Mark "Papa Bear" Ellis