First Blog

Considering this is my first blog, I wanted to welcome myself into the blog world, by telling you a little about yourself.

You are an above-average jerk, who has a little too much time on his or preferably her hands, and found me floating somewhere on the Internet.

I say, you are above-average because I was appeasing you and telling you what you want to hear, and everybody seems to think they are above-average, (unlike me, because I am actually above-average).
I say you are a jerk, in part because you might actually be a jerk, in part because people appreciate you more when you degrade them, and in part because you are someday going to leave me (you jerk).
I say you have a little too much time on your hands, because if you did not have too much time on your hands, you would not be reading random blogs, but if you had way too much time on your hands, you would be doing something cooler like learning a language, joining a cult, or selling bananas.
And I say you found me floating on the Internet because I did not find you, so you must have found me and I am a floater.

Now that you know a little bit more about yourself, maybe you will recognize that this is a worthwhile blog to read, after one episode.

Also note the facts that (a) I taught you something (b) I know you (because I am you) (c) I have been funny in the past, and I may one day again be funny (d) I think I didn't need a (d) and it was a mistake to include it, and (e) I am willing to acknowledge my mistakes.

The blog, (if I have time and am willing to put in the effort,) will include tidbits about my daily life, but probably no personal details. Sorry ladies, no hints at what to get me for Valentine's Day. I like movies, TV, basketball, football, politics, books, celebrities, and ranting/lecturing about how I know better. I'm also a single Jewish lawyer in New York, but no, I am not interested in your awesome niece/daughter/neighbor and I am not doing your taxes, but I'd be happy to help as a tip calculator. So, if I discuss any of this stuff, don't be afraid. It'll pass. I'm extremely rational, so I often play the devil's advocate, (which was a good movie,) because I tend to see the flaws in every argument. But, even when you see me passionately relaying my logical opinion, know that I know I am not "right", but I am just righter than you are.

I'm not much of a grammarian, my spelling is usually not bad, I limit my cusswords, and I tend to verbify words that don't exist. I plan to post at least once a week, I hope to post every day, and I dream of having a personal assistant poster who writes the blog for me. I know the dream is not very badass, but it would be pretty sweet and very practical. That way I could spend more time doing the things I really care about like arguing with people in person (or spending time with blah blah).

I'd like to thank my parents for raising my averageness to above-average, my brother who inspired me to try less hard (to be funny), my extended family for being almost nuclear, my various friends for providing comic fodder, my work for keeping me alive, the various girls who made me bitter, the alcohol that soothed my bitterness, and God for forgiving the alcohol. Without them, I would not be here right now, I would be somewhere else, doing something else. So, really, YOU should thank all these people.

So, now that we know each other pretty well, I welcome you to join me on my ridiculous journey to log my daily activities without discussing anything I do.