Status ME

Hey folks,
I saw that a few of my friends did a collage of their facebook statuses/stati/states from 2009 as sort of a retrospective.
Like my blog, my facebook status is usually an attempt to be funny (when it is not a veiled or unveiled reference to something I am obsessed with (like Lost.))
So, I wanted to see what my status told me about my years in reverse order... so behold: (and below that are some friendster info and twitter comments just in case those sites decide to erase them.)

Facebook status messages:

2010 Resolved: 10) Take better care of myself; 9) Make a grown man cry; 8) Use my dancing skills to solve a medical mystery; 7) Finish something; 6) Spend less money; 5) Keep resolutions 4 and 5; 4) I can't think of a 4th resolution; 3) Let certain people know how amazing they are; 2) Watch more commercials; 1) Believe in myself.

"I wonder if your talents might be better unappreciated elsewhere." {Misquoting myself.} "Oh, and Happy New Year." {Directly quoting myself.}

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you all get that new bicycle under the tree... unless you're naughty, then I just hope you don't steal that bicycle from the nice kid.

"Beauty is truth, truth beauty- that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. Oh and Hostess Cupcakes are delicious." John Keats II, CEO of Hostess Cupcakes from the seventh annual Chocolate Obeisance Convention, Saturday, May 8, 1819.

Hey everyone with over 500 facebook friends, when I get to 500 friends, will they send me a coupon for my free taco or do they actually mail me the taco (cause that could be messy)? 10 friends to go and I already taste the guacamole (but that could be from earlier today.)

With the holiday season upon us, I would like to take this opportunity (1) to sincerely apologize in advance to all of my fellow Jews and non-Christian friends for all the Christmas songs that I'll sing over the next few weeks and (2) to sarcastically apologize to all my Christian friends for butchering those songs. I'm sooo sorry. Happy holidays.

I'm in the process of selecting a nemesis. Open applications, so inquire within. Preferably, this person is (1) very different than me, or (2) very similar to me, or (3) both... (also not looking for a long-distance nemesis, though open to a short term arch-rivalry).

So, it's decided. I'm going to start and end my world tour in NYC. That's pretty exciting, except the entire middle of my world tour also takes place in NYC. Oh, and there will be no touring. So, I guess it's not that exciting.

I hope everyone took a moment to appreciate every great thing in their life... and if you did that, thank you for thinking of me. I thought of you too... unless you didn't think of me, then I didn't think of you first.

It's amazing how I can live (or at least imagine) a lifetime in the blink of an eye... but it takes me two hours to decide what to eat for breakfast.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone: please say what you are thankful for: I will start. I'm thankful for roses that you can smell without stopping specifically just to smell them: so essentially, I'm thankful for drive-by rose smellings.

The heart wants what the heart wants, and right now, what the heart wants is a sandwich.

going to take a(nother) break from facebook and the like- please know that this is not your fault... not at all... unless you use the Internet, which I guess you do, in which case, it's like 10% your fault.

How many times can I watch Glee's "Defying Gravity" in a row before it's classified as a dangerous illness? 4? 8? 15? It's contagious, so keep your distance.

Relatively true story: a team of scientists, lawyers, doctors, academics and college students took hours discussing, dissecting and deciphering this "joke" by Abed from Community: "My room has a bunk bed, which is kind of a misnomer, because it's the real deal." You get it, right?

The way I see it- yesterday was the final day of our last non-voting season and tomorrow is the first day of our next non-voting season. Today is the in-between time.

The earth travels at roughly 19 miles per second. So, basically, while I wrote this crappy message, I traveled the distance of 20 marathons. Congratulations runners, and no, I'm not jealous. (That is code for me being jealous. Seriously awesome accomplishment.)

Being selfless is a full-time job. Being selfish is more of a full-time hobby.

I just realized I forgot to issue a 'thank you' to all of the people who wished me a 'happy birthday" via facebook in March 2008. So, thank you facebook friends. I can't really remember it, but you made that birthday unforgettable. Sorry, that it's belated, but I got hung up on something else.

I'm looking for someone to blame for the health care fiasco: my doctor just tried to postpone my appointment for over two months. Democrats or Republicans? My fury can cover all parties, but I like to stay focused.

wishes all 11 of his friends a happy new year. And if he didn't wish you a happy new year, there is probably a reason. 1 of the possible reasons is that he actually doesn't wish you a happy new year. But, Happy New Year anyway.

If I can score tickets tomorrow, would anyone be down for a classy evening show of "The Nightman Cometh" at the Beacon Theater on September 16? I probably won't get tix if no one's in or if there's no seats available or if I forget or if I lose interest or if I'm still writing this status message tomorrow.

is starting to scare away his friends, and no it's not his obsession with wearing neon tube tops.

It's not always about you; it's sometimes about you... but, it's always about me.

Let the "summer of sitting down often" commence. Well, technically, it's set to drop on July 2, but until then, don't be surprised to look down and see me sitting, as I'm going to need a lot of practice.

thinks the grass IS greener on the other side. Always.

walking through central park listening to Mozart then bone thugs n harmony, then REM. Shuffling is magical. You had to be there, but you failed to be there.

is oddly looking forward to The Hangover and Drag Me to Hell, which coincidentally sound like companion films.

thinks "being himself" is a full-time job. Actually, it's more like a career because of the hours, but really it's more like an unpaid internship because of the lack of pay.

thinks if he could beat a talented 11-year old at 1 on 1 basketball (handily), then with 8 years of proper training, maybe he could go pro. What do you think? Should he scrap the plan or start packing for draft day 2017, (which is probably in NY, so he'd probably just pack a light lunch)

Y'aint never gonna take Bear Mountain (on Saturday). Who's with me?

has not had his phone since Thursday and probably will not have a new one until Thursday, so if you have called/texted or planned on calling/texting in that time frame, I will probably never get the message. After Thursday, resume not contacting me for your usual reasons

is finally sick of diet coke. So, he'll just have 3 more today, and then no more until the end of the day.

is done slouching to make you feel comfortable around him. Now, he's going to start slouching because he's just too darned lazy to fix his posture.

is thinking about purchasing his first (non-free) iphone application (against his better judgment) because local NY anchorman, Canadian Pat Kiernan, reported the app. is "awesome"

is a Mets fan who actually kind of likes the Yankees. It's the Yankee fans who are the problem... almost on the awful level of Red Sox or Phillies fans.

is thinking he could really use a cut of 3-4 fb friends. He needs those spots for other people. Anyone want to volunteer? It's kind of an honor taking one for the team.

is having trouble finding his way home, he needs a yellow brick road or preferably a golden ticket. Oh and Houston stinks.

wishes everyone a happy passover and/or easter, but only if the sentiment is returned. If not, you can go to hell. Have a great day.

is a song and dance man. He's got the Suzzy hip-hop dance lesson, followed by the Ryan karaoke fest. He's exhausted just thinking about it... so no more thinking.

wishes he could meet himself at age 9 and warn himself about all that's happened to him along the way... like the Brad-Jennifer split, followed by Brangelina, and the plot to the remake of the movie, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Little Mark would then be so much more prepared

wonders if The Wire's theme song's "keep the devil down in the hole" derives from Boccaccio's The Decameron's "put the devil into hell". Am I overthinking it or is the show a Lost-level TV show? Overthinking it, I'm pretty sure. What do you think America?

thanks everyone for mucking up his otherwise pristine fb wall. But, more importantly, he sincerely thanks his friends, for making it appear as if he has friends

thinks it's time to stop focusing on his own petty problems and time to start focusing on the world's petty problems

lost his voice or as he likes to refer to it, his moneymaker,... so no, ladies, he's sorry, but he cannot shake it for you today

will respond to Duane E. Baum's shout, "MARK ELLIS, WE NEED YOU!" with a whispered, "no" or "maybe later" or "be more specific: who needs me for what?" or "yes"

has had it with initiating conversations. He tried it for over 27 years and he feels like it's time to try something else. Your turn, everyone else.

is taking a break from this site, after facebook-stalking himself for the last week. Feel free to email or call

is wondering... if he threw a party, and invited everyone he knew, what would he see? Who would the biggest gift be from? And what would the attached card say?

thinks if Jack Bauer tortured the Lost Island and threatened its sister Islands, it would reveal all its secrets within 24 hours

should stop punishing himself with cookies and instead start consoling himself with cookies and/or resume rewarding himself with cookies

is laughing at the naysayers who wouldn't hold their breaths at the chances of How We Met Your Mother making the playoffs. Ha, y'all wasted so many breaths

just thought of 4 decent jokes melding the stimulus package and "He's Just Not That Into You," how many have jokes you got?

needs to improve his eating habits if he hopes to live forever

reread his status messages from early last year and is saddened that his dream of becoming the former second president of the United States has yet to come true

is blaming his fever for his latest obsession... and no it's not the macarena, that was his obsession from the 90's and 2004... through 2007

doesn't understand people at all... well, except you. He understands you... and he's not impressed

has finally designed his 137 year plan to take over the world. Now all he needs is patience, rubber bands, and a light blue dry erase marker

dreams of a world where the snooze button lasts an hour, but 7 minutes later, reality frightfully awakens him to this world's ugly truth: snooze is an illusion

is semi-officially running for mayor. Someone's got to take this tyrant down. He fought against soda, trans-fat, sugar, and now SALT? Why does he hate me?!?

doesn't need your validation at all. Right?

is about 48.1% great at math, 51.6% okay at math and 2.342% bad at math. {You're totally thinking... finally, a math status update}

is disappointed that the Oscar nominations are out, and Lost didn't get one nomination

lives by the credo, "Be excellent to each other," attributed to Ted "Theodore" Logan, but actually first stated by Bill S. Preston, Esq. of the Wyld Stallyns

thinks we should find some artificial way to warm the globe, but until people have that kind of power, maybe we could just burn some rainforest to keep us warm

"wonders whether anyone notices when he quotes himself. Maybe he should use some symbols to indicate when he does it."*

wonders whether anyone notices when he quotes himself. Maybe he should use some symbols to indicate when he does it.

is willing to ghost write your status messages (for a fee), but to do that he will have to know more about you and more about ghosts

is always pleasantly surprised when you want to hang out with him, but he's downright shocked whenever you assume he wants to hang out with you

is glad to be playing football again after his extended hiatus to repair his bruised ego. Now he's back to perfection

has reverted to wearing his glasses because the world does not deserve to see the wonder in his eyes... and he likes his new frames

is wishing everyone an incredibly happy new year... except for you. He has never cared for your shenanigans

is disheartened by the Jets season, but would like to thank the choking Mets for preparing him for moments like these {tear}

is picking a cabinet to help him run his life. Sec. of State? Defense? Treasury? Etc. any takers? No pay, but feel free to put it on your resume

is picking a cabinet to help him run his life. Sec. of State? Defense? Treasury? Etc. any takers? No pay, but feel free to put it on your resume

has been wary of snowfall ever since the snow killed his first pet... a goldfish. Who knew the snow + a 30 foot drop/toss would kill it? 2007 taught Mark a lot

likes that N.Y. State is thinning the herd with a tax on non-diet soda, so we'll look like we're in a stereotypical economic depression, not a psychological one

is resolving in this coming new year to... start cussing for real, at appropriate times, and give up on words like: fudge, frack, ship, crud, dang, dagnabit...

should stop rewarding himself with cookies. Instead, he should start punishing himself with cookies

almost rashly ended his relationship with Time Warner last night because she wouldn't fix his cable issues On Demand, but then he remembered the Good Times

was engulfed by an overwhelming sense of doom when (1) Pushing Daisies was cancelled (b) 8 days later, out of office diet coke (3) what terror awaits us next?!?

is extremely disappointed to learn that each tic tac is not less than one calorie, but rather... less than two calories, so he has to start cutting them in half

is trying to develop an addiction to orange flavored tic tacs

finished watching a movie marathon, featuring six time Acadamy Award winner, Kirk Lazarus, and MTV Movie Award "Best Kiss" winner, WALL-E

is going to construct his own political party and name it the Bull-Moose Party because those are his 12th and 27th favorite animals, respectively

finally got to know his neighbors yesterday (after 33 months); he learned their jobs, likes, dislikes, how they live... pretty much everything but their names

thinks you're so vain, I bet you think this status message is about you. Don't you? Well it is, but you're still so vain for thinking it

thinks you're so vain, I bet you think this status message is about you. Don't you? Well it is, but you're still so vain for thinking it

thinks that now that the country is united again, he can resume campaigning for 2020's presidency with the principle theme of reuniting the country

thinks that his two pledged votes for the 2020 presidency is a mandate, so as soon as he takes office, he's implementing his controversial "fig newton" policy

is missing one of his 309 facebook friends and can only hope that whoever it is that left Mark doesn't turn to crack to solve his/her obvious personal problems

is temporarily suspending his 2020 presidential candidacy to support our new president, to unite the country, and to pursue personal stuff (see upcoming stati)

is declaring his candidacy for the 2020 presidential election because at that time, we could use change. As your future pres., he commands you to vote today

knows that to reach that upper level, his mind, body and soul must be one

suspects that you would be impressed with how smart he thinks he is... very impressed

thinks you should trust him, because since you barely know him, he's never lied to you yet

is hoping Hamlet 2 helps him decide who to vote for; the original Hamlet led him to vote for Ross "Pelonious" Perot

is stunned how quickly things change in politics: 2 weeks ago he liked both candidates, now, he's thinking of better ways to show disappointment than not voting

dreamt of the best profile status last night, then all he remembered upon awakening, was the word "carpet" was somehow involved

has finally, after years of trying to convince doctors, been diagnosed with hypochondria... by webmd

needs only eight more gold medals to finally get his eighth gold medal

is hoping that Brett Favre can pull off wearing green

Mark is disappointed that he did not fulfill his dream of becoming former second president of the United States.

Mark is not special in anyway, except that he killed Voldemort a few times.

Mark is recognizing that his "days of not taking you seriously have come to a middle."

Mark is serving his country by answering the call of duty: jury duty. He braves the dangerous element of boredom, so justice may prevail and so he doesn't get fined.

Mark is wondering how many true friends he has, that would donate both kidneys to him, while loaning him money, and cutting the crusts off his sandwiches. Maybe 6 tops.

Mark is one and a half times the man you are, on average. Try looking yourself in the mirror knowing that.

Mark plans on becoming the former second president of the United States.

Mark is bounded in a nutshell. Nevertheless, when he is awake, he still considers himself king of infinite space.

Mark is krumping to some John Tesh.

Mark is avoiding you and your stupid face. Actually, he thinks you're a prize pig and a sharp tool.



For some reason, Facebook erased the first year of my status messages, which included some of my finest states of being. I joined in 2007, and Facebook remembers me from August 2008.
(Also note that the older ones require reading Mark or Mark Ellis before the start of the sentence.)




Twitter:

I was so cold I considered burning body parts to stay warm.

"I can't go out that night. I have to wash my hair," quoting myself.

I asked someone to be my second wheel yesterday- she said no, which is good? Cause I didn't know what it meant anyway (it sounds offensive.)

Working at 30 Rock makes me feel like I'm cheating at foursquare

Can't believe I just walked out of a movie. "Nine" is that bad.

Left in the middle of the movie Nine to tweet this... Yes, that bad.

Today, I finally use my new video-camera (for good instead of evil). Going to record my grandfather's life story... and action

Just saw Avatar, and while I liked the Smurfs, was totally rooting for the humans over the trees and the dinosaurs.

Just figured out who I am. The guy a girl talks too and can't wait to hang out with again... three months from now.

I can't go that night because "I have to return some videotapes."

I can't believe it's not New Year's yet. This year already had a couple of punctuation marks.

I just changed my 15 year plan to include: opening a restaurant: or a diner by a gas station.

1st book I read= Freaky Friday. I was 6+ it took me 6 months to read. Just watched recent movie and I forgot so much- like who's this Lohan.

Cancelled my cable. In the last ten minutes, it has barely affected my life. But, now, I'm living my life ten minutes at a time.

I finally feel healthy enough to rejoin my gym. Now, if I only feel healthy enough to get off my couch, I'm in business.

Happy Hannukah folks. Enjoy the miracle of how 1 day's worth of oil, lasted 8 days, then turn that into a car commercial.

Christmas-time in Rockefeller Center. You know what that means? Germans. Lots and lots of Germans. So, if you like Germans, come on down.

Studies show what women look for most in men: is sense of humor. I have like three senses of humor. I'm living proof- studying doesn't work.

I never know quite how much to panic, so I tend to settle for an average amount.

Thursday. Biggest tease of the week.

Stupidly asked a girl to "hang out"- a date or not a date. This is the question- clarify beforehand or leave it ambiguous? Twitter decide.

Congratulations to you for being such a unique combination of shapes and sounds... and odors.

Happy Thanksgiving. I'm thankful for gratitude, without which I would be mostly unappreciative and probably partially unappreciated.

I think I am more excited about my robo-followers, then my regular followers because they are more powerful and I don't have to impress them

I like to think of myself as "a tall drink of water" even if none of that statement is true.

Stay-at-home weekend made me long to get out of the apartment, Monday is reminding me why to stay home.

I just compared hanging out with me to an awesome chore, like making your bed, but while you are flying.

exhausted after a long night of TV... someone needs a life. Yes, I'm talking about you and all your caring about what I was doing last night

celebs=vampires- my twitter feed is filled with friends and celebs and I want to get rid of the celebs, before I remember I invited them in

Did facebook delete all of my old status messages? I wanted to make a collage out of them and give it to my grandkids.

ME stat of the day: of the last 20 IM conversations I've had: I initiated 15: 4 of the others were requests.

People don't need my meddling, no matter how flavorful it is.

wants to spend more time with himself and is flabbergasted that other people don't want to spend more time with him.

I think, after 10 or so years of existence, it is time to retire my friendster account.

100th tweet. Suck it facebook status messages.

Florida, here I come... in a week or 2

just got my NikeID sneakers, which are not as cool as I anticipated, which is exactly what I expected.

wishes all his Jew friends a happy new year, and wishes all his non-Jew friends, nothing... a happy nothing, but that's still nothing.

I can't believe it's only Wednesday; on the other hand, I can't believe it's already September. Time is the worst.

When'll googletranslate include the language of binary code? Gotta start expressing myself numerically, instead of through song.

First foray into the world of yogurt: Dannon Light & Fit, strawberry tastes like a unique combination of flouride, pepto bismo and pink

1 ME: 3 billion women in the world, and yet I'd still definitely bet against ME

The rain is an excellent way to test the mettle of new clothes. My new ties are not handling the pressure too well.

dropped like a hot potato or more accurately... something else that's not quite so hot... so actually... dropped like a very cold potato.

can't believe Maxim robbed Megan Fox of hottest woman of the year, is Maxim trying to be the 90's NBA and not give Jordan MVP every year?

Weekend's over and countdown to the weekend begins

Can't wait for the weekend... where mistakes belong.

doesn't have time to be sick, but he has all the other requirements.

over 5 years after finishing college and I'm still trying to build my extracurriculars to get into a good college.

I was named the "Susan Boyle" of the wedding. Best insult/compliment/neg I've had in awhile.

didn't drink much this weekend, so for once... the Red Cross did not take blood from him that was 5% alcohol, but it was still 7% chocolate

My casual obsession with twitter is rapidly becoming a fervent disinterest.

is debating the ethics of not following someone who is following you just to maintain a high ratio of followers to following: opinions?

Awkwardness is my defining characteristic, but believe it or not... it's also what makes me better than you. So there! I think.

is wondering whether relationships should have a safe word, like "popcorn", for when things move too fast. Also did if I heard that before?

celebrated Earth Day by finally turning off his faucet before leaving home. Next year, oven? Don't say I never did anything for you earth!

don't really appreciate the twitter term "followers". Makes me feel like I'm in the Cult of Oprah Winfrey or that Andy Samberg is my leader.

says we stretch the 5-day work week to 7 days, but stretch a week to 14 days. This way, we accomplish more each week and add free time.

is going bowling tonight, for the first time in 5 years, except if you count wii bowling. Expect me to bowl either a 60 or a 190.

Spent last night in and out of consciousness starting at 9. Kept waking up in different TV shows like John Ritter in Stay Tuned.

Did you ask me if I held an alligator by the throat today? Why yes I did.

about to pop into New Orleans for a bite to eat. Anyone interested?

just joined twitter in the never-ending pursuit of being cool. This didn't work either, did it?



I started tweeting April 2009.

How about friendster?
About Me:
I am about 5 feet 8 inches tall and built like a rock, a jagged round rock. I have wavy (curly), dark black hair that is beginning to go, and I have penetrating brown eyes that hypnotize me (or so I like to think as I stare into mirrors for twenty minutes at a time).
People tell me I have the looks to be a film star and act in such movies as Planet of the Apes or Planet of the Apes Part 2, probably because of my acting range.

I usually chew things on the left side of my mouth. Then, I sometimes move the food to the right side, so that I feel symmetrical, but I'm not. I like chocolate and ketchup on everything except each other, unless they're in a sandwich. I haven't done a cartwheel since I was ten. I want to own an apartment before owning a house. I've done more stupid things in my life than I would care to admit, but if asked properly, i would admit them. I plan to do three more stupid things.

I worship movies, I adore TV, I like sports, I tolerate books (Sports: the Jets, the football team, not the singing-dancing-finger snapping street gang, the Mets, and the Nets, Rangers when they are good. My favorite athletes of all time are Vince Carter, Michael Chang, Kevin McReynolds, Charles Oakley, and Mark Messier. I care about people and stories much more than I care about teams, which might be why I don't care about college sports at all.)

I spend my days looking over NY and overlooking NY. I've never owned a car, but I've seen many of them.

I would probably kill; correction, by the time you read this, I may have already killed FOR my family. I believe in God, but I never let that affect my day.

Overall, I guess I am pretty typical, probably even a stereotype, Jewish lawyer from a close first generation family, living in my one bedroom shoebox apt. on the upper East side of New York. (Please send all complaints to the address not listed above.)

How much more me may I reveal without squandering my sex appeal?

o Who I Want to Meet:

I would like to meet someone who is not fake at all and laughs at all my jokes, but if my jokes are not funny, she laughs anyway.

This person must also not be averse to holding hands with strangers she meets in an alley and not against wearing cotton T Shirts.

Really, I would like to meet someone with a vision, or multiple visions, like a prophet, but not a prophet because I am easily intimidated.

If possible, I would like this person to have a special power like superstrength, superspeed, or exceptional hearing, so that she would be fun at even the lamest of parties.
To sum up, I would like to meet someone who laughs hysterically, has visions, and hears things.

Is there any normal person out there that fits that description?

But, since I have found from various messages (and therapists) that no one does meet that description, I would settle for old friends, new friends, acquaintances who I don't care for, and strangers who want a piece of this.


Hopefully, you all learned something from this. I didn't.

Best,
Papa Bear